From Thomas

Actualizing The Fragile Self


There is a version of you that does not wish others well, it is addicted to drama and masterfully plays the victim. This character wants everything to go wrong because that fits the picture it lives from. This self is sad, mad and scared all of the time. It is constantly living and reliving your childhood trauma, and populating your life with the characters that fit that drama.

Welcome to the Fragile Self! 

Your heart is broken, your dreams are remote or unattainable and you live in a state of isolation and despair. Moreover, you identify with this version of you and you feel a mandate to fix it and hide it at the same time. 

It is not the only version of you, but it is the most dominant. It is filled with unresolved issues; it scans your life for situations where you can act these dramas out. It is quicker than you and as slippery as an eel. It changes your vision to make it appear that others are the source of trouble, not you.

This you is proactively trying to create enough drama to obscure anything good in your life, and will do so without rhyme or reason. It will revel in the upset while it consumes your time, your resources, your good will and your life.

While all of this sounds like terrible news, seeing and identifying your Fragile Self and watching it act out is the first step to taking your power back from it. In next month's newsletter, I will introduce a different version of you that exists right along side this one. For now, be an active observer of The Fragile Self and the chaos it creates in your life.  

The Four Steps to Change

The Four Steps to Change are designed to give you a strategy within the experience that you are having. It does no good to blindly struggle without awareness. Rather than wrestling in a half-dream, gently wake yourself to reasonable action.

Step 1: OBSERVE: Don't be in a mad rush to change anything, simply observe yourself and your circumstances. In order to effectively change we must first see what needs changing.

Step 2: ACCEPT: Remember, you can't change anything until you accept what is: see it objectively, as though you are a stranger observing through a window. Don't judge, just accept.

Step 3: ALLOW: Let yourself be yourself without judgment or fear. There is always a positive reason that we are doing anything that we are doing. Try to find the positive reason instead of focusing on the negative outcome. 

Step 4: RESPOND: Having re-assessed your true goal, now start to take small achievable steps toward achieving it. The moment you take one effective step toward your real goal, you immediately feel empowered and back on track. You do not have to achieve to feel better, only to be on the proper path.

Love Games

When I wrote "Love Games: The Hidden Rules of Relationship" I wanted it to be a manual for navigating romance, a way of avoiding the pitfalls that are so common in love. What I stress is that love is a game that, when played correctly, leads to an authentic experience. 

Partnership is not diminished by being viewed as a game, but rather, explained. As a game you can understand that there are rules and dynamics, instead of hopes and expectations which so often lead to disappointment and disaster. Learn the rules and master the game and you can have and will be able to create the love that you want!

Buy 'Love Games: The Hidden Rules of Relationship' now!

If You Could Not Fail

How would you behave if you knew you could not fail? How would life be different? What would you change and what would you immediately stop doing? I think when you live into that question you will discover the adventurer in you, the risk taker. We only show up authentically when we are in a space of discomfort; we come alive in a whole new way and our genius comes out. We find inner resources we didn't know we had and we perform in ways that often excite and astonish.

Occupying this "could not fail" space invites our dreams and our aliveness: write that book, take voice lessons, quit that mausoleum of a job, tell that person they are hurting you, go skydiving! Do it all. At the end of the day, all we will have is our experiences. Your real job is to build and collect those dream experiences now.


Detachment is the state of being free of any emotional need in a situation while still maintaining the desire for that same outcome. In effect, detachment is wanting, not needing. This balance can create all of the magic that we desire in life.   The desire for an outcome is based on the expectation that whatever that outcome is, it will make me happy. Money, a new lover, that great job, each comes with a set of beliefs that the experience will make a positive difference in our lives. We have fantasies about everything we want and we do get attached to those fantasies, however, nothing outside of us has the ability to make us internally happy. Oh, it can excite us or agitate us, but nothing external can change the internal landscape.  When we know this, it is harder to be fooled by the shiny objects we see. They are still pretty and even fun, but ultimately they can't really fulfill us any more than putting on a new hat can change your mind.



Giving is a way of gaining great personal power. There are three different kinds:

1. Ordinary Giving: I give you what I like...I like a book I'm reading, so I give you that book. You are certainly creating a presence in someone's life, but your power is limited.

2. Informed Giving: I give you something that you want...You like sunglasses so I give you a pair of sunglasses. It will be perceived as you caring more, and in fact, you are.

3. Kingly Giving: I give you something that you need, no more, no less...You need to get into this audition; I know someone who can get you in and I make that happen. It is by far the most powerful form of giving, and in fact, the experience that people have when receiving this giving is that of being loved.

Giving is an expression of your power. It is also a pathway to make a friend or bring someone closer to you. Give on every level and you'll succeed.


What if you knew that gratitude was the key to happiness? Somehow this quality has gained an odd kind of "woo-woo" legacy: a nice practice but ineffectual. Nothing could be further from the truth. The practice of gratitude is a powerful means for changing your mood, your energy and what you attract in the world. Start the day by naming five things you are grateful for and watch as you immediately gain control of your emotions and your life.

Thomas' Perspective of His Retreats

 Morning Visualization- Ibiza, Spain - September 2015

Morning Visualization- Ibiza, Spain - September 2015

It is 40 minutes before the pre-dawn meditation I am about to lead. I was up late the night before, going over each participant and what their ultimate goals and dreams are. Each member of this group is a puzzle to be solved: I have to find out what they want and determine what is standing in the way of getting it, internally and externally. If they could get where they want to go on their own, they would be there already. I am humbled by their willingness to trust. My job is to help clarify their goals and intentions. Every step of the way I observe each participant to see where each needs support and belief. In the beginning I wonder how it is possible to do all of this, but somewhere early on inspiration lifts me and gives me incredible insight. Things start to crystalize and change and everyone feels it, even as the challenges present themselves.

Two groups a day, three meals a day, through trips and excursions, swimming and hiking and playing, they and I are committed to real growth and change. We form teams and use all of our resources to create a tremendous momentum that is infectious. Through this intensity I see people start to transform from tentative to confident. Suddenly they start to see the lives they want and dream of can be theirs.